It’s just another week in the wacky world of Manchester United.
Governments will rise and fall, weather will brighten and darken, but you always rely on United to raise an eyebrow or a smile.
Here’s how it’s going, even before Andre Onana calamitously allows a shot through his fingers during Thursday’s catastrophic, season-ending defeat against Real Sociedad.
Sunday: Draw 1-1 with Arsenal in the Premier League. A guy who has pledged not to cut his hair until United win five games in a row now looks like this…
Monday: Sir Jim Ratcliffe says the club would have gone bust by Christmas if they hadn’t done things like swapping proper lunches for staff for a bit of fruit.
Tuesday: “Anyway, we’ve found £2billion down the back of the sofa and we’re going to build the greatest football stadium the universe has ever seen.”
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First impressions? Well, the inside looks great: 100,000 seats, it’s tight, it’s close to the pitch, it looks like it’s been designed to keep the atmosphere in, the steep ends behind the goals are humongous. Nice.
The surrounding areas look fine, too, no arguments there really, a mini city complete with green spaces, an outdoor cinema, a coffee shop called ‘Pot, Kettle, Black’ and a pub named ‘Not Just Another Brewery’. How do they come up with this stuff?
Anyway, how about the stadium from the outside? What does that look like?
Architect Foster + Partners: “The stadium is contained by a vast umbrella, harvesting energy and rainwater and sheltering a new public plaza that is twice the size of Trafalgar Square.”
The rest of the world: “Looks like a circus tent, lads.”
Yep, appropriately enough for a club whose defenders are often likened to clowns and a manager constantly walking the tightrope, United have designed Big Top Trafford.
You could also compare the stadium with its incredibly high pointy bits and airship-like exterior to something from Star Wars, Blade Runner or the world of Willy Wonka. Or, as one The Athletic reader suggested, Butlin’s in Minehead.
Butlin’s Minehead — the inspiration for INEOS? (Education Images/Universal Images Group via Getty Images)
For the uninitiated, Minehead is a popular but unfashionable coastal town in the south west of England. Butlin’s is a chain of seaside resorts where people enjoy boozed-up activities, including a 1990s revival weekend (B*Witched, 911 and Pat Sharp feature later this month). Which, in the context of when United were last half-decent, makes sense.
The artist impressions released on Tuesday morning are incredibly detailed, but they also depict a weird and wonderful world, circa 2030-2032 when United hope the stadium will be finished.
So what does the future according to INEOS look like?
United have started winning home games again
There are a few unrealistic depictions in the images United unveiled, but this is the most far-fetched by some distance.
A club who have lost seven times at home in the league already this season — including against Crystal Palace, Bournemouth and Brighton & Hove Albion — are, according to the scoreboard, winning 3-0 in this image of the future.
What’s more, they’re beating a team who play in light blue shirts and white shorts, which gives the impression this is a local derby and they’re thrashing Manchester City. Surely not? United haven’t beaten City by more than two goals in 30 years.
The alternative is that this is the Championship and they’re playing Coventry City, although if it was, just expect Coventry to produce a late three-goal comeback as they did in last season’s FA Cup semi-final.
Also, referees from the future can award goals from 50 yards away thanks to technological enhancements that give people perfect vision. Assistant referees also appear to both officiate from the same side of the pitch.
Gary Neville is still on Sky
Some things change, but some things stay the same. It doesn’t matter what the year is, 2025, 2032 or 2049, Neville will still be pitchside with a microphone lamenting the current state of Manchester United Football Club.
Also note that Stormzy’s popularity hasn’t diminished — he’s still there as the face of Adidas’ bucket hat range.
Nobody uses mobile phones anymore
Zoom in on any of the artist impressions and you’ll find that barely any of the thousands of people depicted are looking at their phones.
In the interior stadium celebration image, only one solitary person has recorded the goal on their phone. What a future we have ahead of us, folks! People living in the moment again, just like in the pre-digital age.
What do people do instead of looking at their phones? Well, if they’re old, they link arm in arm and just smile lovingly.
Other people sit around and watch Ken Loach’s 2009 sports comedy-drama film Looking for Eric, about a postman who has hallucinations featuring his idol, Eric Cantona. What an age we’re going to live in.
Sir Jim Ratcliffe has become God
Yeah, a bit of a weird one, this. A drawing of the overall ‘public realm’ illustrates two God-like hands carefully placing the outer umbrella over the top of the new stadium.
It’s celestial, it’s heavenly. It’s just quite odd. Who do the hands belong to? Sir Alex Ferguson? The PGMOL referee bosses offering protection to the home team with favourable decisions? Given what we know about visionary Ratcliffe, we’ll just assume it’s him.
Hojlund still plays for United
Despite Ratcliffe name-checking Rasmus Hojlund as one of the players whose transfer fee INEOS, unfortunately, has to keep paying in years to come, in its vision for the future, the Dane is either still at the club or his contribution was so immense that five to seven years later, people are still proudly wearing United shirts with his name on the back.
The same goes for Marcus Rashford (who presumably retired shortly after his Champions League win with Aston Villa), Bruno Fernandes, Amad, Kobbie Mainoo and Millie Turner.
Basically, what’s happened is that every penny United have scrimped and saved has gone on the stadium, meaning they’ve undergone a Tottenham Hotspur-style self-imposed transfer ban and the squad is exactly the same as in 2024-25. No wonder they’re playing Coventry.
Road safety measures are non-existent
People of the future have a laissez-faire attitude to roadside safety, willing to risk their lives by walking directly alongside cars on dual carriageways.
Due to the government having to help fund £2bn-worth of stadium projects, there are no longer enough funds to place railings at the side of roads.
Beckham has a statue
A statue that appears to depict David Beckham celebrating his goal from the halfway line against Wimbledon in 1996 has been erected not outside the new stadium, but by the outdoor cinema showing the Ken Loach film. It’s what he would have wanted.
People are happy
Everywhere you look, people are smiling.
And no wonder. United are top of the Championship, a 34-year-old Lisandro Martinez remains a key figure at the heart of the defence and the sun, as it always is in Manchester, is shining brightly.
Actually, that’s not quite true. Over at the tram stop, it’s raining, leading to this particularly dandy man putting on an army-style tin lid of a hat (perhaps he just criticised Fernandes on social media) and an unnecessarily flamboyant scarf.
But, yeah, everybody is pretty happy, except for this incredibly grumpy old man.
What’s up, old-timer? Not enamoured with today’s 3-0 win? Not a fan of the new Beckham statue?
No, wait, he has just remembered today’s senior citizen concession ticket set him back £150.
(Top photos: Manchester United/Foster + Partners)
