Welcome to Row Z, The Athletic’s weekly column that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
Arteta crowns his champions
Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta’s bold assertion that there was no team better than his own in the Champions League this season was a strange one.
But hey, he said it immediately after the defeat to Paris Saint-Germain (a few times, to be fair) when emotions were raw and he was being fiercely protective of his players after what was a fine, spirited display in the French capital.
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However, it did cap a, well, slightly off-kilter week for the Spaniard in terms of his grip on football reality.
During the same post-match interviews, he also repeated a line that the PSG bench had told him Arsenal were the better team over the two legs.
“Do you think the best team lost this tie?” he was asked in his press conference.
Arteta replied: “I think so, yeah, especially for 160 minutes. I’m saying that and they (points off camera) are saying that because they just told me that.”
“Who did, the PSG bench?” queried the reporter.
“Yeah.”
So far, so simple. Nice bit of praise from PSG. May as well tell the world about it, eh? Why not?
Luis Enrique and Arteta on the sidelines in Paris (Thomas Samson/AFP via Getty Images)
Except there was a slight issue in that Arteta wasn’t keen to divulge who exactly from PSG had told him that Arsenal deserved to win the match.
It certainly wasn’t manager Luis Enrique who, when Arteta’s words about the better team were put to him, said: “I don’t agree at all. Mikel Arteta is a great friend but I don’t agree at all.”
So who exactly did he speak to? CBS Sports and their interviewer Anita Nneka Jones valiantly attempted to get to the bottom of it, but Arteta steadfastly refused to divulge his sources and now claimed these mysterious French complimenters had also told him Gianluigi Donnarumma had won the game for PSG.
Arteta: “In both games, the man of the match was the same player, the goalkeeper.”
Jones: “Today (it) was Achraf Hakimi…”
Arteta: “Well, it was clear who won the game today for them. And I just spoke to them (the PSG bench) and they had the same view.”
Arteta reminds Hakimi who the real man of the match should be (Franck Fife/AFP via Getty Images)
Jones: “Who did you speak to, sorry?”
Arteta: “I’m very disappointed not to be in the final, we have to accept the performance is not enough, you have to have the capacity to win the game in the box.”
Jones: “Who was it that you spoke to, sorry?”
Arteta: “Just a few people of them.”
Jones: “Oh and they shared that opinion?”
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Arteta: “Yeah, yeah. All of them.”
It was just missing a David Brent-esque slow nod and a close of the eyes. So, who exactly were these unnamed PSG people? A ball boy? One of the stewards? Julie Anderton? It remains unclear.
Perhaps it was the same person who told Arteta to say this in midweek…
“Liverpool have won the title with less points than we had in the last two seasons. With the points of the last two seasons, we have two Premier Leagues.”
So he’s basically saying that Arsenal’s points tally in 2023 (84 points) and 2024 (89) would have been enough to crown them champions in 2025 (Liverpool are on 82 with three games left…).
Well, there you have it. We’re not quite sure how, but Arsenal, Premier League champions 2023 and 2024, incredible. Congratulations.
Arteta consoles his players (Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)
We should also pay homage to Jurgen Klopp, who oversaw a famous title victory in his last season in charge at Liverpool. They may have finished third on 82 points but that was enough for them to win the 1998-99 Premier League over Manchester United on 79 points.
It’s the world of Mikel and everyone’s invited. Scenes!
Striker!
To Chelsea now and sometimes you just have to let the self-deprecation do the talking…
£7.9 billion spent on strikers and John Terry’s in our top 10 https://t.co/gJcUTpYG2n
— Ben (@CriminalCosta) May 4, 2025
Roundabout round-up
This week, a new dawn was heralded for MK Dons, who unveiled their shiny new club crest in exactly the way you’d want them to.
For starters, it was accompanied by a 750-word press release with precisely the kind of nonsensical plastic spiel you’d expect from a made-up football club.
The Buckinghamshire home-wreckers said they asked their five season ticket holders (fine, we made that bit up) whether they wanted MK Dons to be rebranded and, in the club’s carefully honed words, “that brought a 64.8 per cent mandate for evolution”.
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“Every line, every curve, every detail has been considered and refined,” MK Dons swooned. “The new Milton Keynes Dons crest is more than a badge; it’s a reflection of who we are and where we’re going. It brings together our heritage, ambition, and modernity in a way built to stand the test of time.”
It’s also based on a roundabout.
Well, not just one roundabout, but an amalgamation of the 130-plus endless, dreary succession of monotonous, grey roundabouts the soulless city somehow prides itself on possessing. If ever you’ve had the displeasure of having to drive through Milton Keynes, you’ll know that said roundabouts are incredibly annoying and just slow down your process of trying to get out of Milton Keynes.
A roundabout in Milton Keynes (Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)
In their blurb, MK Dons dubbed the roundabouts ‘iconic’, which is a bit like calling your toilet brush ‘legendary’.
“It’s a subtle tribute to the city’s unique identity, woven seamlessly into the heart of our new look,” MK Dons continued. “Join us as we write the next chapter – One City, One Club, One Crest.” And lots of f*****g roundabouts.
Anyway, what other things that towns or cities should be ashamed of could be incorporated into football club crests?
- Birmingham City — a tin of cheap spaghetti to represent the tarmac jungle that is Spaghetti Junction.
- Hull City — the outline of a beer belly, reflecting Hull’s status as the most obese city in the UK, according to a 2023 report from the Office for Health Improvement and Disparities.
- Bradford City — a bloke with a swag bag and a stripey burglar costume to represent Bradford having the country’s highest number of crimes per 1,000 people as reported last month.
- Wolverhampton Wanderers — either a sausage roll or a pasty, to celebrate Greggs’ second busiest branch in the country being based in the city a few years ago. The Greggs wasn’t just situated in Wolverhampton. It was actually located inside the city’s main hospital. What a place.
Port Vale, being the club with the current best social media around, certainly didn’t disappoint when reacting to the big MK Dons reveal.
same.
🎨 https://t.co/FoL5xZpxxB pic.twitter.com/XNwfaC3TKy
— (P)ort Vale FC (@OfficialPVFC) May 6, 2025
Not so Cleverley done
Also this week, a delicious line from Watford owner Gino Pozzo when reflecting on the sacking of Tom Cleverley at the end of the Championship season.
“Tom is a bright young coach who has a real future in the game, but he needs time to gain experience…”
Well, he certainly wasn’t going to get that at Vicarage Road. The Pozzos are now looking for their 10th permanent manager of the decade and have upset 94 per cent of their fanbase by ditching Cleverley, who became Watford’s 21st managerial departure since 2012.
Cleverley left Watford this week (Dan Mullan/Getty Images)
Sting in the tail
And finally, how many English football managers can you think of who would allow themselves to be stung by a bee during a press conference?
Got a few in mind? Right, now, of those managers, how many would wince in pain rather than try and style it out?
OK, great, now, of those, how many would whimper; ‘I’ve just been stung’ twice? And their voice would go an octave higher?
Yep, that’s right! Here’s Phil Neville being stung by a bee.
I don’t know who needs to see this but it must be seen. Today’s presser gave us a CLASSIC Phil Neville moment. @tombogert @empiregass @SoccerwiseHQ @MattDoyle76 @andrew_wiebe #RCTID pic.twitter.com/uyVSf2LHne
— Tacos Y Timbers 🌮🌲🌵 (@DesertCorpsPTFC) May 1, 2025
(Top photo: Alex Davidson/Getty Images)
